Movie review: Conan the Barbarian (SPOILERS AHEAD)

We open with a quote "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." followed by a montage depicting young Conan's father forging a sword. He goes onto lecture his son, teaching him that while men will lie and murder each other, steel is the one thing that a man can trust. All of this sets the tone for the movie, the world which Conan will grow up in is a harsh one. Unsurprisingly a horde of mounted warriors raid the village. The leader, Thulsa Doom, murders Conan's parents and sells him into slavery. What follows depicts Conan's maturity into adulthood and his quest for vengeance.

It's important to remind ourselves that the movies of the 80s were limited by what we take for granted today - mainly advanced CGI. So special effects were all physical, any use of CGI was a luxury and used sparingly, not slapped on the way someone slaps mayonaise onto bread. While at times it certainly feels as though you're watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (which you really should avoid), the Conan is pretty enjoyable for what it is. Plus, James Earl Jones'  hypnotic eyes:

                                                                   No, I am your father!
 
It's not all praise. There are some truly awful effects, such as the giant snake Conan encounters while breaking into a temple. It's almost as if they didn't bother:

                                               The consolation is that this scene only lasts minutes.

 The story is lacking any intelligence, but then again it is supposed to be a simple plot. A romance has been clumsily shoved into it, just to prove that our hero is a man who enjoys himself. The movie suffers from the unspoken rule of the 80s that everyone in a sword and sorcery movie needs to have long hair, be messy and dirty looking, and wear lots of furs. There are some what the hell moments, like the protagonist helping himself to a bite of vulture neck. While it's still alive:

                                                               More animal cruelty.

We have very little dialogue, sometimes characters communicate in grunts and groans. Literally. People have complained that this depiction of Conan is too brutish and conveys none of the intelligence and melancholy the character is known for, but I'm not a big fan so I wouldn't know better. 

In any case life would be awesome in the Age of Conan. As exemplified by the man himself, you would get to re-enact your favourite scenes from a bloodsoaked video game and kill lots of people.

There's a lot of kicking and neck breaking and in one scene Conan slashes a guy across the torso then speedily holds the guy by the head and makes a cut across the jugular. Just to make sure. Quoting from the movie, the best thing in life is "to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women." Nice one.